casual ultimate » ask the viking

so we’re going to try something here at cu: a little column called “ask the viking”. i’m sure you all can figure out how this works- readers submit their questions, i do my best to answer some of them. we’ll see how this works out. anyway, here’s our first installment:

mr. viking,

now that its winter i spend 1% of my time at the gym and 99% of my time sleeping or watching tv. what should i do with my 1% of time at the gym? cardio or weights? or both? in what order and in what quantities?

signed,
weary of winter

ms. weary,

vikings are known for our strength; at our peak, entire villages would flee their homes at the mere rumor that the vikings were coming. in those days, men grew strong by fighting with swords and shields, and rowing our Longship warboats to new territory to raid and pillage. unfortunately, these days raiding and pillaging are no longer accepted forms of recreation, so we’ll have to make do with other activities. i would recommend a blend of weight training and cardio; weight training will give you strength to strike a man down in battle, and cardio will give you stamina to outlast your enemy in a shield wall. or, perhaps more applicable to modern times, weight training will improve lean muscle mass, which in turn, keeps the body’s metabolism running high, which translates to improved calorie-burning (read: fat loss) long after the workout is over. i would achieve this blend of strength and cardio training by focusing your workout on exercises that recruit as many large muscle groups as possible, and minimizing the rest taken between sets. an example workout of this type would be:

1) 3 sets of 8 squats, rest 60 seconds between sets.
2) superset: pull-ups, rest 30 seconds, push-ups, rest 30 seconds.
repeat twice more, for a total of 3 sets of each exercise.
3) superset: 10 cable woodchoppers (video link), rest 30 seconds, 10 crunches on swiss ball, rest 30 seconds. repeat twice more.
4) on a rowing machine, do 4 minutes of: 20 seconds all-out, 10 seconds rest

that little program hits pretty much all of the muscle groups in your body, and will probably get you in and out of the gym in about an hour. do this 3 times a week, and soon enough, your raids will yield more treasure.

skål,
the viking

mr. viking,

so i really like this girl. i’ve been flirting with her, on and off, for about four years now. i’m pretty sure that she’s into it because she keeps ending stories by saying “you know, back when i still had a boyfriend” or telling me things like “i wore these hotpants just for you” and sometimes things like “my roommates not home tonight and i just got a brazilian wax”…but how do i know for sure that she likes me before i, you know, ask her to get a coffee or something?

for now i’m just going to keep playing it cool and only speak when spoken to. i mean, i just don’t want to be in a situation where i put myself out there emotionally to a stranger and don’t get any reciprocation, because that would be embarrassing. man i wish girls were more forward.

signed,
imaginary bear

mr. bear,

you’re a big fucking bear, with big fucking claws. and you can’t figure out how to kill the bunny? c’mon, you’re so money, and you don’t even know it. just club the bunny with your big fucking bear paws, and drag her back to your cave. advice from my favorite self-help movie aside, this viking learned from his elders of the old norwegian secret for getting girls — sit at the bar until one of them approaches you and forces interaction. vikings prefer strong women, and this is an important part of the selection process.

skål,
the viking